2009 Predictions

Ahh yes, as 2008 breathes its final breaths I have decided to bust out my crystal ball and give some predictions for what the year of 2009 will bring us. This may be chilling to some people but its the truth and what I see happening in the coming year. Apocalypse? Famine? Plague? Not really but read below to find out what the new year has in store…

• After many years of low traffic & not being considered a reliable search engine - “AltaVista” will get its second wind and control 90% of the global search market - crushing all competition & still keeping Doug Heil banned.
• Dave Snyder will announce the real reason for his move to Utah was so that he could form a polygamist sect and take Jordan Kasteler on as his 2nd wife.
• SEOMoz will announce that they made a large error with the launch of LinkScape - they had initially claimed that they had over 38 billion pages indexed, when in fact they only had 38 pages indexed and are just really bad at math.
• Jill Whalen will be speaking at a conference when she will short circuit - her eyes will begin to shoot lasers, her head will spin & then her body will catch fire revealing that she is a bot & was simply sent from the future to kill Sarah Conner but got wrapped up into SEO one day and just couldn’t put it down.
• After thousands and thousands of twitters Rae Hoffman will get a personal letter from Biz asking her to “Chill” & explaining that by their calculations 1 out of 3 times, her rants are the actual reason why the server slows and twitter users are displayed the “fail whale”.
  fail wail pic courtesy of Studawg
• Lisa Barone will still not use her personal blog & it will sit with the generic “Hello World” post for another year.
• With the success of IMBroadcast.com Loren & the guys will suddenly reskin the site and use all of the link juice that they have gained to shoot up to the top of the adult SERPs - transforming the site from Internet Marketing Broadcast to a cash cow in the adult fetish video sharing industry called “Irresistible Midgets Broadcast”
• After years of being treated like the Britney Spears of the SEO/SEM industry Matt Cutts will finally go nuts, while he is being chased by conference goers at pubcon 2009 - all wanting to get a picture with him,  he will suddenly duck into a casino hair salon where he will shave his head, then he will be forced to check into a psych ward where he will under go treatment. The following year he will launch a massive come back tour & drop a new CD which will get great reviews & bring back the Matt we all love.
• Michael Gray’s new venture called “Viral Conversations” will take off huge when he finally lands a deal with a Mexican pharmacy who will send the bloggers, who sign up for the program; Xanax, Viagra, Steroids & other drugs which are illegal to purchase in the Untied States. Michael will then be charged with multiple drug charges and end up being sentenced to 50 years in jail. A movie will be produced about his life entitled “Blogpin: Trading Links for Tranq’s”.
• With the success of the SMX Local, SMX Social & SMX Mobile - April 1st Danny Sullivan will have a new one day conference entitled “SMX Spam”, hundreds will sign up thinking that the conference will be dealing with linkspam and blackhat techniques. The entire agenda will be kept secret. On the day of the conference the opening keynote session will be packed. The keynote speaker will come out from behind the curtain and introduce himself as the “CEO of Hormel foods - the makers of Spam“.  The rest of the day will be followed by Hormel employees speaking and moderating sessions all about Spam. The networking cocktail hour will feature actual spam dishes.

..send this around..